By Molly Koch, B.Sc, and Chloe Matkovich • Vista Academy • www.vistaacademy.org
“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm. Not join their chaos”. ~ L.R. Knost
You’ve had a long day, and you’re ready for bed but before you get to bed your child needs to get to bed as well. You step into the living room and say “it’s time for bed, time to turn off the tv,” your child begins to protest, throw the remote and yell at you. Or maybe, you’ve played a game of tug of war with homework pages leaving you at your wits end just as frustrated and escalated as your child.
Do either of these situations sound familiar? You may have experienced moments of a power struggle leading yourself and your child to feel dysregulated. Well, we are here to tell you, you are not alone and we have top-tier intervention strategies to help you work through these moments with more ease and less pull.
For all of us, power struggles are extremely common, and most of the time we don’t realize we’re in one. What we have learned is that once you enter one, there is no winner but two losers resulting in both parties being left dysregulated. Have you ever considered dropping your end of the rope and moving to the same side as your child or learner? Conflict is scary for anyone, especially when trying to teach skills such as tolerating ‘no’, transitions, and flexibility. You may feel like you are ‘giving in’ or disregarding your boundary when not following through with your demand in the traditional sense. In reality, you are opening the door to a calm resolution where both parties are validated and heard.
The first step in preventing a power struggle is to see and acknowledge the warning signs telling you a storm is brewing within your child. You know your child best, you know the early signs of frustration, a hard day, or dysregulation better than anyone. In the world of intervention these warning signs are called precursors, we use them to identify the approaching storm of bigger behaviours that can be easily triggered. If we can spot these warning signs early and support the child where they’re at we can stop a power struggle completely and prevent a larger escalation.
Warning signs or precursors look different for every child and often we may see irritability, avoidance, threats, escape attempts, or counter offers.
All of which can be ways your child is unknowingly attempting to engage you in a power struggle to better allow themselves to gain some sense of control. When we see these signs we can engage in the following strategies:
Give choices • Instead of “it’s time to do your homework”, ask your child “do you want to work on math or social studies first?”, this gives the child an opportunity to make a choice and feel more in control of the demand that is placed on them.
Determine your motivator • No one wants to complete a task they are not motivated to complete and we can’t expect anything less from a child. Using an item, activity, or interaction can help motivate your child to work through a demand. E.g. “Go pick out a book for us to read AFTER you’re done brushing your teeth”.
First… then language • This may be better suited for younger learners but focuses on breaking a demand into components that allows easier processing. E.g. “First brush your teeth and then I will read you a bedtime story”.
Lower demands • Observe your child’s tolerance to measure what demand is suitable at that moment. Just like anyone, kids do their best when they’re able and that’s why it’s important to meet them where they are at. Set your expectations accordingly, e.g. “I hear your homework is hard, instead of doing both pages let’s just complete the first page now and come back to it later”.
Despite our best efforts, sometimes, we do end up in the trenches of a power struggle. We are here to tell you it is very natural to enter one when you are working through the same issue day after day. You are doing the best you can and being a parent/guardian is hard! Always remember, it is never too late to change your approach amid a power struggle. When you cut the rope loose, the tension drops and you open the doors to negotiation and resolution, the end goal of all conflicting situations. The following suggestions we use daily to bring relief and regulation to both parties:
Model regulation behaviours • Take a breath… a big one, we need to enter this situation calmly. As role models we need to practice what we preach, why would any child want to engage in a strategy they never see being modelled?
Support instead of fix • At times it’s not possible to change what’s happening and we need to lower our expectations for ourselves and our children to better meet them where they’re at. Support them instead of trying to change and control the situation, these emotions are big for anyone, let alone someone without the strategies to navigate.
Validation • Make your child feel heard, even when it may feel unreasonable or uncomfortable. This can look like paraphrasing what they are communicating to you or labelling what you are seeing. E.g. “I see you are really upset right now”, “it’s okay to be frustrated”, or “this is hard”.
Be a team • Always remember that you are on the same side working together to find a resolution. Letting the child know you are rooting for what they want allows them a safe space to express their emotions and communicate. Be open to negotiation and talking through the problem, when they feel you are against them you are only making a tighter knot between the two of you. E.g. “I really wanted you to have more time with your game too. I will make sure we have more time tomorrow”.
It’s important to remember that every behaviour has a function and with that, your crash course on power struggle navigation is complete. Take the time to explore the strategies suggested and find what works best to better support yourself and your child when working through those tough moments together. You both can peacefully walk away from situations while maintaining your boundaries, bond and trust.
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Chloe Matkovich and Molly Koch, B.Sc. are the Senior Directors of Vista Academy, a non-profit therapeutic learning centre for Autistic and Special Needs kids. They provide an array of services such as 1:1 behavioural intervention, alternative homeschooling and social groups. What they love most is the opportunity to provide an environment where their learners feel safe, supported and celebrated.