By Audree McIvor, RCC/CCC • Momentous Counselling
Do words like picky eater, diet, weight gain, body image, or self-esteem bring up memories of your own childhood or your relationship with your parents? For many of us, these words carry emotional weight–feelings we may not even realize we’re holding onto. And without meaning to, those lingering beliefs can shape how we parent today.
As parents, we want our children to have a healthy relationship with food and a positive sense of self. But sometimes, the internal messages we’ve carried from our own upbringing–about control, worth, or appearance–can quietly stand in the way of giving our kids that freedom.
We live in a culture saturated with messages about food, weight, and beauty. From ads to social media trends, the pressure to look or eat a certain way is everywhere. While we try to shield our kids from those harmful influences, the truth is, they often seep into our homes–sometimes through our words, sometimes through our actions. Research shows that parents play a powerful role in shaping how children think about their bodies and their eating habits.
The way we were raised–the comments we heard, the diets we saw, the pressures we felt–doesn’t just stay in the past. It comes with us. It can show up in the way we talk about food, how we serve meals, and even how we react when our kids say they’re full or ask for seconds.
But here’s the good news: with awareness and intention, we can shift these patterns. By recognizing how our own experiences with food, dieting, and body image shape our parenting, we can begin to create a more nurturing, connected, and body-positive environment for our kids. When we take the time to reflect and heal, we open the door to raising children who trust their bodies, enjoy their meals, and grow up feeling good in their own skin.
Early Years: The Foundation of Healthy Habits
From an early age, parents are heavily involved in monitoring food choices. For example, decisions about baby-led weaning versus pureed food or how many new foods to introduce at once can be filled with anxiety for parents. These early food journeys can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that this is an opportunity to introduce food with joy, connection, and community. Eating together allows children to see that food is nourishment and a source of enjoyment, and it can help them develop a healthy relationship with food from the start.
As children grow, we begin comparing them to growth charts and monitoring their eating habits. This leads to an emphasis on external measurements, which may drown out internal cues about hunger and fullness. The worry about whether our children are eating ‘enough’ or making ‘healthy’ choices can subtly reinforce unhealthy messages about food. Parents may inadvertently pass on anxieties about food and body image, leading children to internalize these concerns.
School-Aged Children: Navigating Growth and Independence
In the hustle of busy mornings, meals sometimes become something to ‘check off the list,’ rather than an opportunity for connection. As our children gain more independence, it’s important to support their ability to make their own food choices. This autonomy allows them to develop a healthier relationship with food as they grow, free from excessive external pressure.
At school, eating becomes even more social. Lunches and snacks are often consumed with peers, and it’s hard to know exactly what they’re eating or how much. This inconsistency can trigger worries in parents about their child’s eating habits. However, it’s important to remember that a child’s overall intake over the course of the day matters more than what they eat at any given meal. If you’re noticing anxiety about your child’s eating, it’s a good opportunity to reflect and ask yourself: Is this concern truly about my child, or is this my own past experiences and worries resurfacing?
Teens and Beyond: Fostering Independence and Self-Expression
In their teen years, meal times become more independent as they spend more time away from home. Hormonal changes, peer pressure, and social influences come into play during these years, which can deeply impact your teen’s self-esteem and body image. You may notice shifts in their mood, eating habits, or the way they talk about themselves. If this happens, it’s important to pause and reflect on your own experiences. Did you feel similar pressures when you were a teen? Do you want to protect your child from those same challenges? This can be a powerful moment to check in with yourself and work through any lingering worries or emotions you may have.
It’s crucial to create an environment where positive self-talk is encouraged, and healthy behaviours are modeled. By managing your own emotions, you can provide your teen with the support they need to navigate these years with confidence. The opportunity to grow up in an environment free from negative body talk and unrealistic expectations is a gift we can give our children. Of course, if you have concerns about their physical or mental health, don’t hesitate to consult a medical professional.
Cultivating Healthy Family Meals: Habits that Build Connection and Positivity
Let’s explore new habits that can help create a joyful, healthy, and connected eating environment:
Create Connection:
• Make Family Meals a Priority: Aim to share at least five meals a week as a family. This may require a bit of creativity–perhaps eating in the car before soccer practice or having a quick family dinner before a busy evening. The key is to create positive associations with eating together, which can lead to better eating habits and stronger family bonds. Use tools like conversation starters or ‘would you rather?’ questions to encourage fun discussion.
• Make Cooking Fun Together: Involve your children in meal preparation whenever possible. Cooking as a family can be a fun and educational experience. Whether it’s chopping vegetables, stirring a pot, or setting the table, this is a great opportunity for kids to learn about healthy ingredients, develop kitchen skills, and take pride in the food they’ve helped prepare. It can also serve as a great bonding activity that creates positive associations with meal time.
Trust and Autonomy:
• Offer Choices, Not Battles: As our children grow, so does their autonomy. Unless there is a medical concern, it’s important to support your child in making their own food choices, trusting them to listen to their bodies. This allows them to develop a healthier relationship with food and body image as they transition into adulthood. If you have a picky eater, try offering new foods when they’re genuinely hungry. Giving children a few healthy options helps them feel more in control of what they eat and introduces them to a variety of flavours. It also encourages the value of making good choices. It’s all about balancing structure with autonomy.
• Snacks for the Win: Growing bodies often need more frequent meals than adults. Healthy snacks can be a great solution. Set up a snack station with wholesome options like fruits, nuts, or veggies, so they can grab something healthy when hunger strikes. This helps ensure they’re getting the nutrition they need to grow and thrive.
Practice what You Preach:
• Model Body Positivity: Be mindful of the messages you send about body image. When you talk negatively about your own body, whether it’s a ‘dad bod,’ ‘mom belly,’ or guilt over eating dessert, your children are likely to internalize those views. Avoid labeling bodies as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and instead focus on promoting body positivity and healthy habits. A helpful tip: Keep a picture of your child on the bathroom mirror as a reminder to speak kindly to yourself and set a positive example.
• Show Yourself Grace: Changing how we relate to food takes time, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. If you’re struggling or holding onto messages from the past, that’s okay. It’s a journey, and giving yourself grace is an important part of it. Take the time to reflect on your experiences.
• Work on Yourself: Doing personal healing is a great way to show your kids that your growth isn’t over. Taking time for yourself via therapy, journaling or other self-care is beneficial for you and by extension, your family.
Building a culture of family-centered eating takes time, but these habits can help transform meal time into enjoyable and meaningful memories. What’s most important is the opportunity to connect with one another, foster healthy habits, and model positivity and love toward food and our bodies.
Audree McIvor (RCC/CCC) is the co-owner and director of Momentous Counselling, where she specializes in trauma, PTSD, and childhood neglect. Based in Kelowna, Audree leads a compassionate and diverse team dedicated to providing comprehensive support for individuals and families. Momentous Counselling offers tailored services for parents, couples, teens, and children ages 5 and up. In addition to personalized therapy, the clinic provides engaging group presentations and virtual sessions.